Ayumi Hamasaki (Are-You-Me-Hummer-Suck-He) is the Japanese Shinto religion's goddess of J-Pop and is the patron deity of Wapanese men. She's a beautiful drag queen known all over Japan. Traditionally she takes shape as a short, skinny, Japanese woman. She materializes often on the covers of magazines or in Panasonic commercials. Rare sightings have been reported of this Goddess appearing with a moustache, but these reports go unconfirmed. With her bald head, she is able to change hairstyles within seconds; going from curly brown to short blond. Her annoyingly high pitched voice is a source of serious worry, as it is thought to have caused her partial deafness. Many think that she damaged her low voice ability while shaving. She is reverently referred to as Ayu by her legions of worshippers. When Ayu was young she liked to hump a stuffed animal she had of a Penguin. This inspired her to start her music career. Ayumi keeps the Penguin stuffed up her dress and at times will poo it out using her belly button. Ayumi's boobs are flat and she enjoys pouring butter on her legs. (At times Ayumi has problems getting an erection)
Profile
- Full name: Ayumi Hamasaki
- Also Known As: "Ayu"
- Name in Japanese: 浜崎あゆみ
- Birthdate: October 2, 1978 and April 8, 1998
- First Materialization Point: ****allotakus, Japan
- Blood Type: A-Y-U-RH+
- Mother: Madonna
- Father: Jesus
- Fav. Quote: Oh my god! Nagase dick is like a hamster!
Album List
Mini-album featuring DOHZI-T & DJ BASS with rapping and a Buddhist chant called "Gut it-pez". The Gregorian chant, "NOTHING FROM NOTHING" features lyrics similar to those of Michael Jackson, and rap style similar to those of Sesame Street characters. Ayumi's voice was first heard on this album, but her voice is not featured rapping: that comes from Elmo.
Features her first single "poking you in the face" and was released in 1999, and the follow up "YOU (whore)." Music featured on this album is quite similar to zydeco folk bands. Twenty-seven reports were made in 1999 of seizures in small children after they had listened to this album. Notable tracks include "A song for XXX (unrated ver.)," "Wishing for this to be over," and "POWDER X (HIGH version)."
Cover features some near-titty action with only Ayumi's mythological hair covering her mythological DD breasts. Songs include "Who...the ****", "diariya", "Fly High (Get High)", "Boys as Girls (transexual ver.)," "monochrome tampon".
Photo shoot for this album features the creature materializing as part leopard, retaining human sexual organs covered by fur. The sexy pose caused a disaster at the Vatican after Pope John Paul II was killed after buying the album. A media cover up of his death later followed.
- I am... a brothel owner! (2001)
Ayumi returned to her mythological roots for this album, dressing as her arch rival, Eve. This was reportedly a mockery of Eve, whom Ayu had a long standing feud with. The album featured such anti-Christianity songs as "evolution" in tandem with "Naturally," the controversial "M", and the upfront "we're still alone!". Another song featured on the album was the gay-anthem, "All The Things She Said", which was later covered by t.A.T.u..
To provoke even more religious outrage, Ayumi released RAINBOW in 2002, baring herself on the cover and in the lyrical content. The homoerotic themes of the album, as featured in songs "RAINBOW", "Real me", and "Free & Easy", caused uproar amongst the Christian community.
In almost a 180° change, Ayumi returned to her religious side with the release of this gospel album in 2003. Songs focusing on religion, such as "ANGEL'S SONG" and "forgiveness", gained Ayumi a little respect in the Christian community. Some small children were mentally scarred from the music videos of this album, as one featured Ayumi morphing into a werewolf. Several lawsuits were filed, but were settled out of court for an undisclosed sum.
Ayumi finally decided to release an album in 2004 based on her time imprisoned in the Phantom Zone with other Kryptonian beings. The album, which featured mostly verses of relief and love, was an instant success among her worshippers. Also featured on the album were lots of songs with either completely uppercase or lowercase titles, which further confused her Japanese patrons.
In 2006, Ayumi eventually decided to let out the English in her by releasing (miss)understood. With such titles as "STEP you", "tasking", and "Are You Wake Up?", along with a photo book called "off my day", Ayumi thoroughly confused her worshippers with secret meanings only matched by The Da Vinci Code. Some brains exploded, especially when people realized Ayu manifested herself as a machine during this era. Just ask alterna PV.
At the end of 2006, Ayumi released her 8th album, entitled Secret. Recently, the Goddess released new information in a CNN interview that has fans everywhere dumbfounded. She said, "I have a secret, I think you too!" (CNN Quote). This shows her belief that everyone has a secret, Ayumi's is that she she is the leader of the Yakuza, this is further backed up by song titles suggesting murder such as "kiss o' kill," "Not yet dead" "BLACK DEATH," "1 SHOT," "Beautiful Assassins," and "until that Day...I killed you". Sources also confirm Ayumi's involvement with Japan's mafia as she has been spotted with a tattoo of her holy symbol on several occasions. She has also been arrested on numerous occasions for tax-mixing, which she claims to be her divine right. Ayu has also been caught with 1.1 million dollars worth of jewelry recently. Although she claims her adoring fans donated her this hefty sum before the new song "JEWEL", the recent loss of said amount of jewelry from a rival mafia, the Russian mafia.
Soon after Secret was released, it was announced that A BEST 2 would be released in February. It would come in two versions, BLACK (which consists of hits such as "Dreariest", "CAMELS", "Cheap & Eazy", "i need LOOOVE", and "NEENER NEENER"), and WHITE (which consists of hits such as "Revolution (a cover of Chopin's smash hit)", "Humming 24/7", "PERSPIRE", "STEP in my vageen" and "fairly bland".
In order to reestablish a connection with the Christian community yet again (her last attempt, Memorial address, was not entirely successful), the Goddess released GUILTY as a confession of her guilt. GUILTY was successful, despite actually being her first album to not reach number one in the first week. This angered Ayu and caused her to transform into Godzilla and attack Tokyo. The incident was then covered up by the Japanese government, as the Goddess paid off the Japanese Prime Minister, Pikachu, with rice.
With the knowledge that her worshipers will purchase anything she releases, Ayumi decided to release a compilation of material that was already released. Much to the Goddess' chagrin, this attempt at conning her fans was a success. After Ayumi received much criticism for rereleasing old material, the fans released a statement at an official press conference held in Neo Tokyo, stating that "(A COMPLETE) does actually feature new material. The songs are all remastered, meaning a few seconds of silence were added to some songs in order to increase the ambiance." Some fans disagreed and, disappointed with the compilation, left the Church of Hamasaki. Furthermore, mild fans of the Goddess who didn't really care much about the release either way, shoved the sales of Hamasaki's rival, Amuro Namie's, new compilation in the faces of the Goddess worshipers. This angered the Goddess especially, who is currently plotting to once again overthrow her rival, the Dancing Queen's, resurgence as J-Pop Queen.
Ayumi Hamasaki & Utada Hikaru
Utada Hikaru & Ayumi Hamasaki have a convoluted relationship. On air, they are friends, both claiming to sing each other's songs at karaoke. In the pubs, they have a lesbian relationship (though Ayumi claims that Hikaru only frequents lesbian pubs with Namie Amuro). But deep down, they simply hate each other.
Utada Hikaru, when asked about Ayumi Hamasaki, commented: "Ayumi? She's amazing. An amazing nuthead." Ayumi Hamasaki later replied, "Stupid ****in' moustache-wearing hairy fart-head." and Ayumi Hamasaki proceeded to remove Utada Hikaru from her birthday party list.
Utada Hikaru also claims to have higher intelligence than Ayumi Hamasaki. "I'm ****ing good at Tetris." Insiders note that Utada Hikaru dropped out of Columbia University due to her Tetris addiction. Others sources quote that Utada Hikaru claims Columbia University was a piece of cake, however; she never received a degree.
Ayumi Hamasaki & Koda Kumi
Ayumi has recently been getting worried about Koda Kumi, AVEX's new singer/porn star and The Official Slut Demon of Japan. She feels threatened by the singer's talent (and sluttyness) as her sales continue to grow. Ayumi had this to say: "Just because she has bigger boobs she thinks she's all that! Well, have I got news for you Miss Two-Best-Albums-In-Six-Months, AYUMI HAMASAKI IS NOT GOING DOWN!!!". Ayumi spent the rest of her interview bashing Miss Koda and throwing accusations such as: "She's just a drag queen", "I think she might even be related to Peco" and "She's got hot stuff? I've had ice that's hotter than her!" All the while Ayumi's wig kept falling off in strange sync with the bugging-out of her large eyes.
Koda Kumi, who has ignored the comments, said this: "I feel sorry for Ayumi, I really do, but now her mental state is failing her." While secretly, Koda Kumi has been lusting after Ayumi's boyfriend, Nagase Tomoya, Ayu throws these comments aside, retorting that Koda Kumi is just a drag queen and Tomoya is gay. This, however, leads to questions as to why she is with him in the first place.
Ayumi and Kumi were seen later the same day leaving the mall while hitting each other with bottles of Diet Coke. Reports say that the two were on their way to the local gay bar. Luckily for Kumi, she was offered a role in a Diet Coke commercial which aired later.
Ayumi made it clear several days later that Kumi was not invited to her birthday party, and that she was (quote) "A big, stupid poopyface." Ayu spit on the ground out of anger and yelled at an eight year old for staring at her later that day; later, she was seen ripping up Koda Kumi's posters on the street crazily. and later soaking it in her urine.
Break up With Tomoya Nagase
Recently, ayu break up with Tomoya Nagase, her boyfriend for 17 years. "It is a really long time relationship, but he can't satisfy me enough." Report said that Tomoya has been going to gay bar being accompanied with his "close friend."
Finally, in OUT magazine Japan July edition Tomoya make a really big statement that he is gay. "I loved ayu very much, but not now, since I have my new boyfriend," Tomoya said in an exclusive interview with Out Magazine. Shockingly, his boyfriend now is a former boyband member from N*sync ,Lance Bass.
Ayu's response of this news is "Ah, I already know that American prick. I was doing threesome with the two of them, but finally they are going together."
People Who Are Not Invited To Ayumi's World Famous Birthday Parties
- Koda Kumi, Utada Hikaru, Crystal Kay, Dir en grey, Morning Musume, °C-ute, V-u-den, Mari Yaguchi
- FLOW, Ken Hirai, Laruku, SunSet Swish, Jinn, Natsumi Abe, Aya Matsuura, Yuko Nakazawa, Kei Yasuda
- Chemistry, Polysics, Nana Kitade, GAM, Sharam Q, Wikipe-tan, Berryz Kobo, Melon Kinenbi, YUI.
- Porno Graffiti, Cool Joke, Asian Kung-Fu Generation, Ami Suzuki, Yuki Maeda, Kaori Iida, Miki Fujimoto, Maki Goto
- Mika Nakashima, Nami Tamaki, YeLLOW Generation, Nozomi Tsuji, Atsuko Inaba, Country Musume, Coconuts Musume
- Orange Range, Sowelu, SOUL'd OUT, Miliyah Kato, Ludwig Van Beethoven, Mai Satoda, Ai Kago, AKB48
- Mai Hoshimura, UVERworld, HOME MADE Kazoku, Younha, Rie Fu, YUKI, Rumiko Takahashi
- Yuna Ito, Hi Hi Puffy AmiYumi, George Bush, HIGH and MIGHTY COLOR, U2
- Jacques Chirac, The Grue Nation, Howard Stringer, Savin Yeatman-Eiffel, Ali Project
- Bill O'Reilly, Shinzo Abe, Junichiro Koizumi, My Dad, Your Mom, Steven Tyler, Liv Tyler, You, Aya Hirano
United States National Anthem
The United States National Anthem is Ayumi's song July 1st. The new national anthem was established after the Japanese occupation of the USA from July 1st 1996 to July 4th 2000.
Songs
- Ayu writes her songs to reflect deep feelings inside her. She has given some comments about her songs.
- Trauma: "I'd just been to the doctor and he said I had a head trauma. I don't see why. I only fell down a 2 meter hole." (Dome Tour 2001)
- vogue: "I like the magazine."
- M: "I never remember how to spell it!"
- GAME: "I had just bought an XBOX."
- P.S.II: "Then I threw it out and got a PS2."
- My name's WOMEN: "It was originally called 'my name's AYUMI' but that was too obvious."
- Flower Garden: "I wanted to call it 'weed garden' but Max Matsuura isn't such a fan."
- STEP you: "My mother was trying to teach me how to count to ten, but I couldn't get past four."
- Ladies Night: "IT WAS MY IDEA FIRST! SWEETBOX COPIED ME!"
- Rainy Day: "I only wrote it because I was bored. Max wouldn't let me go play in the rain with Namie and BoA."
- Born to Be...: "I forgot to finish the title."
- Neverending Dream: "I was in a coma for a few months."
- Memorial Address: "I forgot my address."
- A Song Is Born: "Damn right it was, and I had to go through the whole 9 months pregnancy too."
- Still Alone: "This song's autobiographical. But I still have my friends! And my band! And my adoring fans! Right? ... RIGHT?!"
- Teddy Bear: "I was running out of people to write songs for. (See Still Alone)"
- No More Words: "The title of this song is the reason the first whole minute has no words. I was running out of material at this point."
- No Way To Say: "I lost my voice."
- +: "I will revolutionize the industry with my one-character songs! Mwahahhahahaha!"
- Walking Proud: "Waakingu Puraudo? That's one of my songs?"
- HONEY: "Don't talk about that song...I still have the bee sting wounds..."
- July 1st: "I wrote it for the July 1st invasion of the USA."
- SEASONS: "Made to promote my next calendar!"
- Sotsugyou Shashin (Graduation Picture): "Finally learning how to count, I graduated from elementary school.
- A Song for XX: "This is a song dedicated to porn."
- Free & Easy: "This song is about stealing, of course."
- P.S. II: "I cannot legally say PS2 in a song but i really want one but Max Matsuura says I cannot have one"
- WHATEVER: "I was getting pretty lazy with my song names at this point" (see +)
- Everywhere Nowhere: "This is a song about God."
- RAINBOW: "I decided that gay people need love too. Plus I like making out with myself, hihi."
- BOYS AND GIRLS: "This is a song dedicated to bisexuals.. and myself."
- "A" "H": "Those are my INITIALS?!?!?!"
- "criminal": "I got caught stealing." (See Free & Easy)
- Are You Wake Up?: "Just say it like ten times in a row. Are You Wake Up? Are You Wake Up? Are You Wake Up? Are You Wake Up? Are You Wake Up? Are You Wake Up? Are You Wake Up? Are You Wake Up? Are You Wake Up? Are You Wake Up? Now I bet you just had a seizure."
- Beautiful Fighters: "I wanted to write a song for all the transsexuals out there, including that poor Koda Kumi."
- BLUE BIRD: "I was high and had the hots for Big Bird from Sesame Street. Ooh, those slender legs..."
- 1 LOVE: "There is only 1 love for me...my fans. Haha, just shitting you, it's really MYSELF!"
- Fairyland: "Somebody told me that I was away with the fairies... I don't see why..."
- Moments: "At moments, when I think about my childhood, I feel the cold claws of death and despair once again on my innocent soul. But then I think of how much better I am than Koda Kumi, and everything is alright :3"
- REAL Me: "NO! Seriously I am the real me I'm not just another Dancing robot. Oh and a woman can be dangerous in order to survive."
- talkin' 2 myself: "So, sometimes I talk to myself. ...Wait, what do you mean that's not normal? I thought everyone did it. Dammit, Koda lied to me!"
- glitter: "You'd think it's some metaphor for something really deep, but screw that, I just like looking at shiny stuff."
- WE WISH: "... You a merry christmas! ... Wait, those aren't the lyrics..."
- End of the World: "So like, I had THE worst day. First, I woke up to find Max staring at me creepily, then I slapped him and TOTALLY broke a nail, then I was walking around the avex building and Koda Kumi came up to me looking WAY sluttier than I was, and I was like 'Nuh uh, she did NOT just go there, biatch!' and then I wrote this song."
Music Videos (Promotional Videos)
Ayu has contributed ideas to many of her videos. She has commented on several of them.
- STEP you: "Okay, so I'm a schizo. What did you expect?"
- Voyage: "I know I'm crazy. Aren't we all a little crazy at heart? No? Are you sure? The samurai told me so..."
- Alterna: "It was not a blue screen. I do have gears!"
- Bold & Delicious: "My father are from New York, he's real bold...damn, I shouldn't have told you that ><"
- PRIDE: "Everyone wore garbage bags in New York..."
- 1 LOVE: "In my spare time, I enjoy singing, dancing with friends, and human trafficking."
- JEWEL: "Jealous of my bling-bling? I make more money than you. Now go get a life."
- Momentum: "Sure momentum sounds like M and looks like no way to say, but it's only an illusion. I am much deeper than you take me for. Seriously."
- RAINBOW: I am in love with that other Ayu. And it's not because she looks like me. It's because she's better than me. I know! It should be impossible...I am a goddess, after all."
- Born to Be...: "Originally we had planned a bunch of close ups of Ayu, but I had some blemishes...so we just added those lights. You'd never have known if I hadn't told you."
- Ladies Night: "I'm Hitler's super great-granddaughter, so of course I had to have an army."
- Startin' : "Britney Spears was my role model."
- Moments: "Why the **** are these kids in my home? GTFO."
- Free & Easy: "RAWR GRAPES!"
- Real me: "What? A dancing cyborg factory totally seemed like a good idea at the time. My dancers sure as hell can't dance."
- Forgiveness: "Uhh... I think it's because I'm distracted way too eas--OOH A BUTTERFLY!"
- BLUE BIRD: "We based it on a crack party I had the night before. It was hot!"
- Is This LOVE?: "If only Koda Kumi had been there to explode too..."
- Because Of You: "I had originally planned on using porn star cum, but Max said it was too expensive so we had to settle for Otaku Jizz, it was gross.
- Mirrorcle World: "I was thinking of a rape scene in that phone cell, or a lesbic duo with that oversized red dress, but Max refused, so I just moved my ass around Paris and showed off a bit on that slutty hotel scene ^-^"
- vogue/Far away/SEASONS: "I'm ****ing lazy."
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Hikki: - "Then Ayumi, how goes the sales of your last disc?" Ayumi: - "Very well thank you! And your ex husband, still has problems of erection?"
Nguồn: Ayumi Hamasaki (redone)
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